UNDERSCORE

I have hinted before (and very broad hints they were) that I have a friends with benefits. A friend with benefits who makes me question myself, what I’m doing, where I’m going. Well, that’s all changed. We’re not seeing each other anymore. I’m moving on, and so is he…. or so I thought.

An identity crisis made me think that we weren’t seeing each other anymore. Unfortunately, that is all I can say about that. But, believe me, it was a big issue and I got pretty angry about how I had been treated. I’m not sure if I have the right to be so angry and hurt, but I am. It has led to some very tumultuous months for me, and, I guess, for him.

For starters, we both left Australia to go to different continents.

Then, I’ve been on a few dates.

Lastly, I had a brief interlude of FWB again with someone I never thought I would do it with once, let alone going back for more.

Bottom line is: with the crazy emotions, the lack of contact, the moving on (honestly, my last two posts have been about getting my hair cut because I need change in my life and not to be looked over or forgotten. Talk about crisis), I thought we were done.

Imagine my surprise, if you will, when I received a message from him the other day, casually asking if I want to catch up because he is back and ran out of money lol.

So casual, so cavalier. I didn’t reply because I am overseas still, and that costs money that I don’t want to spend. But I wanted to reply in some way, to show no hard feelings. (Because suuuuuure there haven’t been any) So, I used the trick up my sleeve and added him on facebook and sent a message through messenger…. but he has not replied yet.

While I’m waiting on him (he doesn’t use facebook much as far as I know), I just have to think: what did he mean by ‘let’s catch up!’ That was what we always used to say, and he’s gone right back to it. Hopefully it is nothing less than a catch up, and we can finally talk face-to-face. Anyone out there with anything slightly similar? I am still feeling so confused, I just hope it can be amicably resolved.

Hypocritical much?

The title is an attack on myself. This post, when compared to my last one, isĀ very hypoctrical. You know that Greek guy, Hypocrites? (pronounced Hip-oh-kret-ees) Well, I’m his mother.

The word hypocrisies? It should be hypocrisis. Not that there’s a hippo crisis. There could be, but my own dilemma has turned my thoughts to myself in a selfish, artificial way.

The source of this dilemma, this conundrum? My hair.

I reeeeeally want a haircut. I would like to get a haircut. I’d love a haircut – I need a haircut!

Soon I will be going to Italy and I have heard a few times recently that, upon meeting me, people tend to thing I’m a goody-two shoes who sits home and knits. “Really boring”, one girl said. “A good girl”, a work colleague said. “Kind of quiet”, from another.

While I honestly do sit home and knit sometimes, and I’m more of an introvert than an extrovert, and I hate getting into trouble, I want to be someone who looks exciting and fun because I am fun.

But – I am scared. I don’t want to be passed over because I look boring. First impressions are big in this society – seeing someone’s face on a display picture on Facebook can define one person’s impression of another. I don’t want to look boring, I want something happening on my face, something that makes me stick in people’s mind.

I want a different look and my hair is something that can do that.

Even though it is superficial. Even though it *gasp* costs money. Even though it’s all of that – it’s just a haircut.

Buuuuut…. I want one.

Reinvent. Really.

The location for today’s procrastination location: WordPress.

I’m not even sure if that made sense but, hey, I like the rhyme. And, even though I am procrastinating, I feel as though this is important.

The other day I was feeling a bit bored and a bit stuck in my normal routine, lacking interest – this led me to looking up how to reinvent myself.

I guess that the almighty Google knows I’m a girl and my interest in make-up and that sort of thing, but I was still a bit irritated to find that the fruits of this search weren’t very nutritious: it was basically junk food. Artificial, dangerous, useless.

It was all about changing my looks: how to reshape my eyebrows, why I should change my lipstick and even my eye colour! As a fan of make-up and of fixing my hair up in braids and buns, I think that appearance is important. For one thing, it’s just fun to play with.

But, on the other hand, it is just fun. It should not be how I reinvent myself. Beauty is only skin deep, and changing my look on the outside won’t do all that much on the inside.

To give a few of the articles I read credit, they did comment that looking good gives confidence. I kind of agree with that – looking good makes it easier to walk into a room. Ask anyone who has the bridge of their nose filled, or their eyelids lifted. Looks give you power.

Simultaneously, my interest in healthy and environmentally-friendly eating has been growing. A friend gave me a SCOBY – the key ingredient of kombucha – and lent me a book by Sarah Wilson in which a recipe is written. It’s so interesting, and I love reading about how she has incorporated this type of food prep into her life, and how it has changed her life. It’s quite holistic – a word and notion I love.

So, that’s what i’m starting to do. For me, food is a very non-artificial part of life. The way I eat shows my heritage, people that I meet. I make pasta because I love sharing it with family. I took over the vegetable garden at home because I can give vegetables and herbs to friends and family. Heck, I grow sunflowers to help the bees. (Guys, really, plant flowers for bees)

So this is what I was hunting for without knowing. Ideas that Sarah Wilson expresses so clearly were some simmering, unclear concepts that had been floating around my mind for years. She illuminated them.

So please, to anyone out there wanting to reinvent themselves – go beyond looks. Go for something that means something big to you. Do it for the real you.